How To Let Go of Worry and Doubt After A Divorce

Did you know January is the most popular month for divorce? According to information, google searches increased by 25% from Dec 2020 – Jan 2021.

It’s not that people suddenly decide to divorce; January is the month many decide to divorce. Whether it was the forced time at Christmas to spend time together and failed expectations leading to a decision to leave or the financial stress of the season, all these contribute to the increased searches around divorce.

If you’re reading this, then you are probably thinking about divorce. I’ve been there! Honestly, it was a long road towards divorce, and the first year after the divorce was the most challenging. I knew something had to change deep down. Yes! I experienced my demons of worry, fear and doubt.

Worry about finances.

Who gets what, who pays for the divorce, and how will I sustain myself after the divorce were just a few of the numerous questions to consider. I could not move for a moment because of all the questions racing through my thoughts. I Was trying to find solutions for problems that had yet to occur, and trying to control the outcome was exhausting.


Guilt about not making the marriage work

I took my vows seriously, especially as I was in a leadership position within the church. I truly believed marriage was for life. I wasn’t yet aware of how much I would develop and change and how much my husband would experience the same. Two completely different people within an institution made to keep us together, and it didn’t make sense to me. When my thinking about marriage changed, so did the guilt associated with making it work.

Doubting myself and the expectations I had.

When I was married, I was clear about what life would be like with my husband. Yes, times would be challenging, but we would work through it together. However, I felt myself changing to stay within the marriage to the extent I did not recognise myself anymore. I had lost confidence in myself and the decisions I was making for my life.

However, I knew I had to find the strength to move forward. These were some of the questions I asked myself:
 

I knew life had to be better than what I was experiencing.

 

I know life before was different. I was happy, experienced joy and thought marriage would be an extension of this. The sadness and sorrow had begun to overshadow my life to the extent that I couldn’t see or feel the joyous moments. I knew there were, but I couldn’t feel them. This is not how life should be. I felt like something was missing, and that was me. I had become someone else, lost in this role of being a wife.

I could not stay in the relationship as it was.

The pain I thought I was experiencing was too much to bear. The thought of enduring this for the rest of my life was something I was not prepared to do. I needed to make a change, and I had to leave. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, it was too much for me to handle, and I knew if I stayed, it would get worse.

I didn’t want to hurt anymore, and I didn’t want to cry or feel like I was dying inside. I needed peace, love and happiness in my life again. It was then that I realised the only way to find peace and joy was to leave my relationship. It was the only option for me at the time. I knew if I stayed, it would destroy me, and my dreams would be gone forever.

When I recall my divorce journey, I realised I had to rediscover myself to move through my divorce. When I speak of rediscovering, this is what it looked like:

Had to look within

What are the stories I told myself about myself?

The self-deprecating tales we tell ourselves are the most potent force in our lives. They are the filters through which we see the world, shaping how we respond to it. When you’re going through a divorce, it’s easy to feel like your life is over. It’s easy to believe that there is no hope, no love and no possibility of happiness for you in this new reality. But it’s not true! Your life is not over—it has just changed. are just stories. They aren’t real; they’re just thoughts that have been programmed into your brain for so long that they feel like reality. But by returning to the source, my spiritual identity, I could see through the stories. It’s easy to believe these stories about ourselves because they’re often based on experiences from our past that are true—but they don’t have to define us forever! As long as you keep telling yourself your old stories repeatedly without any hope for change, you will stay stuck in them forever!

What did people think about me?

When we’re going through a divorce, sometimes it seems like everyone is watching us and thinking about us. It can be difficult to tell how much of what they say is genuine and how much rumour. But what if we could just let go of all that? When you’re going through a divorce, it’s important to remember: most people don’t care about you or your situation as much as you think they do. Most people are so caught up in their own lives that they don’t even notice what’s happening around them. And that’s okay! You can’t change other people’s minds about you—you can only control your actions. 

Where was the hurt and pain coming from?

The hurt and pain I experienced after my divorce resulted from my self-judgment. Because I was so preoccupied with wanting to be flawless, I had little time for myself—no place for the natural flow of life and love. I beat myself up because I felt like a failure since I couldn’t control anything. But, in reality, I was just a regular person going through something difficult. And I shouldn’t have expected myself to be perfect. No one is! You don’t need to be perfect—you need to be authentic.

In moving forward with my divorce, I had to face my worry, fear and doubt as it was a barrier to finding joy in my life. If you want to know more about how you can overcome your worry, fear and doubt? Click here for more information.

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