Self love to self loathe

Insight – Self-loathing to Self loving

I called my online programme Black Butterfly because it’s about emerging from being a caterpillar and emerging into your true, beautiful self. In recent reflection upon my own journey, the words ‘self-loathing to self-loving’ came to me. Now, my initial thought was ‘oh gosh I didn’t hate myself.’

However, I remember growing up, particularly when I was really young, we were one of the few black families at that point on the road that I lived on. I recall wishing I could be like my friends and peers who had long straight hair. I used to ask myself, Why couldn’t my hair be long? And I don’t know if any of you guys have done this where you put the towel on your head and you swished it around pretending you had long hair? But this is what I distinctly remember doing, and in recalling these memories I realised that at a young age I didn’t like myself, and I wanted to change myself.

Growing Up

Even in later life, growing up as a teen, wanting to look like the images in the magazines. Now back then in the 80s, when I was a teenager, they didn’t have many images of black women and their natural hair and African clothes. And so it was hard to find role models, and so it was always about changing to fit in. As much as my mum told me I was beautiful and amazing and I had a very supportive family;  I still thought I wanted to change. I wanted to be different.

What I thought I knew

Now what was fascinating to me, as I was reflecting this morning, was that I thought I was quite confident in myself, and in who I was. Even when I stepped out and started my business in 2003, having spent 10 years as a probation officer, I thought, “I’m gonna learn all these different skill sets so that I can have the most successful business and being in personal development, learn all these different techniques”. But upon reflection, I realised that beneath it all, I wasn’t as happy with myself despite what I was telling myself. I was doing these courses for the bee’s knees. What I realised was that the first programmes/ courses that I did I applied to myself as a way of trying to change myself.

I Saw the Truth

And it wasn’t until probably last year, 49, that I actually accepted who I was. Even though I’ll be learning all this stuff back inside out everything that I’m sharing with you on the programme. It wasn’t until last year that I actually thought, yes! I’ve arrived.

I am comfortable in my own skin. 

I am comfortable with who I am. 

I love what I am because I understand about the spiritual nature of all things.

And now I can live my life.

And that’s when I came to realise why Black Butterfly is so important to me. Why wait 40 years before you can live your life when you can live your life now, at whichever age you are! You may already be here! May already realise, and if that’s the case, I am so happy for you.

You don’t know what you don’t know!

But if like me you didn’t even realise that you questioned and doubted, wanting to change who you were because you couldn’t accept who you were.

Then, this is why I’ve put the programme together. It’s for you to choose me to share my musings with you. 

 I’ll speak to you soon. Take care.

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